The Potato Truck: A Sasuke Deathwish
by Shunkan
Summary: What you get when you've eaten too many cookies, you have a delusional friend, and, of course, a nagging desire for Sasuke to die. Enjoy!


Hey guys!

Okay, so this is the first fanfic I'm going to be publishing (I wrote a few before this one, but they were like über-sues who did everything short of saving the world...and so I trashed them -.-') and I'm pretty excited!

This was originally gonna be gory and feminist and all of those non-one-shot materials, but then I was talking with my friend this summer about it, and she made one small change in everything (thanks, Sa-chan!) and then her birthday was coming up, so I couldn't really _not_ re-write it for her...

So this is for everyone who enjoys a good laugh at the expense of Sasuke (who doesn't?) and would really like to see Sakura actually _do_ something.

Without further ado, ladies and gents, I present you... The Potato Truck: A Sasuke Deathwish

-oh, and another thing: - - - means the point of view is changing

Enjoy!

_For Sa-chan, my favorite little ninja/medic-nin._

_- - -_

"For the last time, Sakura is useless. Why did she even come with us anyway?" Neji said, placing his mug on the counter.

Naruto stared at him.

"Neji, you know why. Sakura's the only person who can drive the potato truck. And she is _not_ useless."

Neji rolled his eyes.

"Why do we even need the potato truck? I thought we were here to try and nab Sasuke -again-, not drown ourself in vegetables."

"_Because_," Naruto explained slowly, "Sasuke _likes_ potatoes, and that's the only thing that can make him come to us. You can smell the aroma for miles."

Neji scrunched up his nose.

"I'm not sure that's a good thing. I thought the Itachi dummy was supposed to attract him."

They both looked to the scarecrow in front of their camp. Naruto had grabbed Kakuzu's cloak before going back, and had dressed up one of Ino's life-sized dolls. All they had needed was a long black wig and _voilà_, the perfect Itachi look-alike. According to Naruto and Lee. Neji still had doubts. Kakashi too.

"Well yeah, but this is if it _doesn't_ work. We always need a plan B."

"Whatever." Neji got up, going back to his room.

Naruto looked out the window, lost in thought_. Don't disappoint me, Sakura-chan._

- - -

The potato truck stood there in silence, seething with anger. It was _not_ going to lose this time. This time, _it_ would be the one to show the humans who was boss. It smiled to itself.

_This would be a good day._

- - -

Sakura yawned on her way outside. She paused for a moment, feeling the sun against her skin.

"Oh boy, this is the life!" she whispered to herself, "A week out of the hospital for the sole purpose of killing my ex-crush. Damn, I hate his guts now."

She gave the fence a strong punch. It collapsed at her feet.

_That's you, once I get my hands on you_, she thought darkly, continuously punching her palm.

"Sakura, dinner!" Kakashi called from the doorway.

"Coming!"

She looked at the horizon one last time.

_This time, I'll take it into my own hands_

- - -

"Yosh! Let us go and terminate the man that is an insult to all things youth and happiness!" said Lee with a Nice-Gai pose, fidgeting with excitement in the doorway.

"Yeah, what he said," Neji said sleepily.

They had been there for a day, and Sasuke still hadn't come for the Itachi doll, or the potatoes. So Neji and Lee were going to look for him, just to make sure.

- - -

Lee and Neji had come back empty-handed. Although Neji's Byakugan had indicated Sasuke's presence within five miles of here, Lee had abolished all of his attempts to advance in that direction. You know, with the crazy dances, the poses, the 'calls of youth', the starry eyes. Not to mention almost getting drowned in the huge waves that suddenly appeared behind the cliff with the beautiful rosy sunset. That was when Lee had tried to hug Neji, hence the bruise on his left eye.

Nothing had happened back in camp either. Sakura had to go get gas for the potato truck, so that left Naruto and Kakashi hanging around the Itachi doll with lethal-looking weapons in hand. And nothing to stab them into.

So, glumly, everyone went back inside for a 'refreshment of youth'… in the words of a certain bowl-cut ninja.

Except for Sakura.

And the potato truck.

- - -

The potato truck stood in the shadows, waiting. _Kukuku, that girl is in for it. Soon, soon I will prove the absolute superiority of potato trucks!_

- - -

Sasuke stood in the bushes, examining the scene. Or rather, the truck. Of _potatoes_. Was it his lucky day or _what_?

He took a deep breath. Little hearts appeared in his eyes. The potato smell was heavenly. And the way the sun reflected off their soft, soft skin...

He quickly wiped the beading drool off his chin. He had decided that he was going to get those potatoes, no matter what. He could already taste them, the tender flesh on his tongue...

Okay, focus.

Step one: See.

Sasuke could see them, alright. He got as close as he could, until he could practically hear them beckoning him on.

Step two: Stalk.

He crept through the bushes, getting as close as possible to the gleaming little faces. He got himself into position.

- - -

Sakura took the keys from the shelf and headed over to the potato truck. Naruto had another plan, and it required an open space. Thus, Sakura would have to move the truck out of the way.

- - -

_Just a little closer, just a little closer. Come on girl, get in the truck!_ It smiled to itself. _Bet you've never seen a truck door eat a person, huh? Well guess what's gonna happen to you! _Oooh, this was going to be beautiful!

_Just a few steps closer...come on, step onto me. Feel my wrath, why don't you!_

- - -

Step three: Strike!

Sasuke pounced out of the bushes, running towards his little preciouses with open arms.

"Come to me, darlings!" he said, practically feeling them against him. Only one more leap...

- - -

The girl was coming, she was about to open the door, he was about to show her who was boss! _Kukuku_. Wait, who was that behind him? There was a boy, running towards him from behind! What the-? _How dare he try to catch me off guard!_ _That's it, I'm gonna teach you a lesson!_

The truck didn't feel the door close. Sakura was in the driver's seat.

- - -

I thought I heard Sasuke from those bushes, but it must've been my imagination. If it wasn't, he sure sounds a lot stupider than before. I sat down in the truck, intending to back it up and then move out of the area dedicated to Naruto's 'amazing plan', but I guess the truck read my mind, because...

- - -

_DIE, HUMAN!!!!! _

_CHAAAAAAAAARRRGEEEE!!!!!!!!!! _

- - -

He was pratically touching them. He was practically hugging them to his chest. And then the truck was backing up! The Blessed Truck of Potatoes was backing up on him, Uchiha Sasuke!

"No, not my precious potatoes!"

He grabbed a handful of them and started running away.

- - -

Okaaay. The truck was _not_ supposed to back up like that. And the brakes aren't working either. Wait a second, is that Sasuke?

- - -

"Did you guys hear something?" Naruto asked.

"Yes, it sounded kind of like 'CHAAAAAAAAARRRGEEEE!!!!!!!!!!', but who could it be?" Lee said.

"Probably just your imaginations," Neji scoffed.

"No, I think they're right. But why did that voice remind me of..." Kakashi started.

"Potatoes?" Naruto and Lee said at the exact same time.

Naruto's eyes widened.

"Sakura's out there!"

- - -

Sasuke cowered away. Soon, he was completely engulfed in the evil, evil truck's shadow. He whimpered, hugging the potatoes closer to him. He started hyperventilating when the truck began to talk to him.

- - -

_Boy, how dare you, how dare you try to fool me? Now, you shall feel the true strength of the potato trucks, you miserable human!_

- - -

I only managed to slow the truck down a little bit. What the heck is wrong with it? And now I'm sure I saw Sasuke. If I believed in such things, I'd swear the potato truck was trying to run him down. Ha. Serves him right. His expression is priceless!!! I guess I'll speed up the process a little...

- - -

Naruto, Lee, Neji and Kakashi ran outside, somehow dropping all of their mugs and kunai in the process. The door was thrown open (_thump_, went the doorframe). They only had the time to spill out into the clearing, and then freeze in shock:

Sasuke was there, and Sakura was backing the potato truck straight into him at 100 miles/hour. Sasuke was shaking like a little leaf.

- - -

(insert whatever noise Sasuke should make when getting crushed by a potato truck and noise of victorious potatoes/potato truck)

Sasuke's resentful, arrogant, depressive, annoying, snarky, boring, and of course emo eyes closed, and stayed closed.

- - -

Kakashi and Lee's jaw dropped.

"Sakura ran Sasuke over?!?!"

Naruto smirked and nudged Neji.

"Told ya she wasn't useless."

- - -

End!

That was fun, although I'd like to hear from you!

Expect more from me!

Love, Shun


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